Just let me be.

So yesterday was my first EVER time where I got to just go to church and not teach in over a year and a half! In doing so, I realized two things.... #1 My Pastor is a phenomenal Pastor and #2 It is absouletly vital to my spiritual life to be in church atleast once a month. The message yesterday was SO good and hit on everything that I've been going through. Pastor spoke on how Jesus promises to take us through our problems....through. Not over, or around, but through. (Lamentations says "I will take you through the waters, through the fire, through the valley my para-phrase). I'm in this season of my life where it is not all happy and fun all the time, but it has been such a challenge every day to choose to be happy and I so badly want to just have God answer my prayer to move me past this season. There is always so much pressure from people to be this bright, shining, energetic, funny person becuase of my role in the church, or becuase of my faith, or because of my surroundings.... I just wish people would let me be. It's okay to have bad days. It's okay to go through trials. It's okay to be alone sometimes. It's okay to not be happy. God never promised that we wouldn't go through those times. I understand the God I serve. The God that said this life wouldn't be easy, who said we would face trials and persucution. I get that. I understand that. I accept that. Because I know that when I am weak, then HE is strong. Do I love going through tough seasons in my life? No! Not one bit, but I wish those around me would stop telling me to just...."Be Happy!" I wish those around me would let me deal with "my season" the way I have come to do best. This isn't the first hard chapter in my life, unfortunately it is one of many. I have learned to withdraw from groups, not speak up all the time and not voice all my frusterations to everyone with ears because it is in these tough seasons of my life where God breaks me to the core (which sucks, by the way :)) and makes something beautiful out of the mess I've become. It's in these hard times in my life, where God continually brings me through and I turn around and realize how meaningful and vital that journey was to my life.

I do realize how blessed I am to have the many that care about me and my happiness, but sometimes those people do not see, what I see...what I know. God is breaking things in my life and it hurts and its hard, but it's worth it. God is carving away those things, those people, those situations, those habits that I have put in his place so that he can remain. It's vital. Sometimes you can go so long with putting good things, good people, good jobs, good works in your life and realize your not good at all...your miserable...and thats where I have found myself. But I am clinging to the promise that He's not through we me yet. I'm clinging to the promise that if I loosen the fist I shake at God, unravel my fingers and fit them in with his, he'll walk me through this valley, through the waters and through the fire and I will walk out refined, restored and refeshed.

So to all those encouragers (i'm also speaking to myself when i say this)... take a moment before you push to make people feel happy and try to see what God is doing inside them. Realize that some people NEED to be broken....to FEEL God work in their life and encourage them to stay the course and to continue walking THROUGH, not out. Brokeness is painful and messy, but putting the pieces in the right hands always turns out better than it was before.